Broken Hearted

Most of you reading this will not understand where I am coming from and probably think that I am coming out of left field and being totally rediculous, but it is bothering me so guess what...you get to read it...or you can stop now.

My Grandma was moved to the nursing home I work at on Matt's first birthday (Aug. 30). Since then she has gone down hill rapidly...it seems anyway. She is often confused and upset about her unfamiliar surroundings, but in the next breath she is saying something that you have to laugh at.

Today, after work, my brother's girlfriend (she works at the nursing home too) informed me that Grandma was ticked at me. I asked her why she was ticked at me and she said that Grandma was upset because I didn't got pick up Grandma's sister. SIDENOTE: Grandma had a sister, but she passed away either at birth or shortly after birth.

Anyway, I kind of brushed it to the side, but at the same time it kind of kept eating at me. I didn't care that she was ticked at me. Let her be ticked, at least I am a safe person to be ticked at, on the other hand...it broke my heart. I think it was tonight that I realized that I don't really have my Grandma anymore. The Grandma that I confided so many things into and everything. I miss just sitting and talking to her and have her not say anything, but listen to every word. I could still do that, but I am afraid of what she would say! :) I just feel like I lost her even though she's technically still with us.

It made me understand how my aunt felt this weekend when she was talking about Gram. At the time I was looking at her wondering how she could get so choked up, but it didn't make sense to me because she was my GREAT-grandma. Today made me understand though. I miss my old Grandma. The one who always had gentle words of wisdom and unconditional love.

Then tonight my phone rings and my Grandma's number came up and I thought...she is in no state of mind to call anyone, let alone remember MY number. So after I answered I hear..."No, that's Jeanie." My aunt got on the phone and then I hear..."No mom that is the right person." So then she preceded to ask me if I would come to the Tree of Love party at the nursing home tomorrow with her. Of course I said yes and she said..."We'll discuss it in the morning." Little does she know I won't be there until 3:45!

My other aunt asked to relay the message to me that I need to have broad shoulders. I know what she's getting at...but my shoulders are broad enough. It's hard to find clothes as it is! :)